My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
it glows. i had to have it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
