I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize