i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
