saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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