I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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