So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
