He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
