Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
