Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
