i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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