I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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