My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
