got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm like, not good at living.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
