So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
