Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
