My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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