Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
