today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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