Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
