1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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