Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
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She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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