I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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