When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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