My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
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She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..