Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
