butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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