Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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