My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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