in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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