My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
we should paint friendship bongs
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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