Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(585): View more from New York

Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.

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(847): View more from Illinois

my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.

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(818): View more from California

I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.

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(714): View more from California

I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.

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(442): View more from California

Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.

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