remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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