Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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