Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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