ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
