My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
