I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize