Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
