stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
