my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
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in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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