My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
