I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I haven't been this sober since birth.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm