i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.