So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?