Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
