Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
