Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
