we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
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I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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