Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
