Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
