Soap is not a condiment
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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