i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
