Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
