i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
