All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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