1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
