new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
